Saturday, May 28, 2011

Woman mistaken for hamburger ...

Life can be so silly sometimes.

In my latest episode of silliness, I was quietly making hamburger patties in my kitchen, accompanied by my oldest dog, Shadow, who is nearly blind and almost completely deaf. When the burgers were finished, I stowed them in the freezer, picked up the container of bread crumbs, and reached down to stroke my faithful, furry friend, prior to washing up.

She can still smell just fine, it seems.

Smelling meat, she clamped down on my fingers good and hard. This is a girl who loves her food. She wasn't missing out on this!

I yelled in pain. Shadow jumped, knocking the bread crumbs out of my other hand. We had an eruption of bread crumbs several feet into the air. I said a few things that would, as Anne Lamott puts it, "make Jesus want to drink gin from the cat dish."

Fortunately, the skin was not broken. But I wondered if the last joint in my finger might be broken, when it swelled up and got very red. What do you do for that? Go to the ER? I could just hear the conversation:

Me: Hi, my dog bit me. She might have broken my finger.
ER doc: What type of dog was that?
Me: A poodle. A big poodle.
ER doc (thinking, What did you do to piss her off? Call her Fifi?): Your poodle bit you?
Me: Thought I was a hamburger.
ER doc: You thought you were a hamburger?
Me: The dog thought I was a hamburger.
ER doc: Ma'am, do you have any medications you take regularly? ...

You see the problem. Who's on first? This finger is just going to have to heal without medical intervention. What kind of person has a finger broken by a poodle?

I'm not going there.

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